Three Times a Mourner: Personal Essays on Grief and Healing, by Fredricka R. Maister

When psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross released her book On Death and Dying in 1969, she introduced the world to grief in five stages, identifying and giving recognition and space to the idea that grief isn’t linear, and mourning can and often does occur in stages. While many books on the subject of grief, loss, and healing serve as guides, offering steps to move through the stages and phases of mourning, it is refreshing when someone steps outside the analytical and instructional lens on these topics and lends their personal testimony.

A personal journey

Maister delves deep into her experiences of how loss seldom follows a predictable timeline, and how the impacts of grief resonate far beyond what we are ever prepared for, permeating our self-image, belief systems, relationships, and daily functioning. She examines the transformative moments that catapulted her into mourning and led her through true healing.

With this compilation of essays and poems, authored throughout her writing career, Maister unpacks decades of grief rooted in three major losses in her life. Her writing is honest and vulnerable, inviting readers into her personal journey of facing the impacts of loss, trauma, and healing.

Grief is not linear

Throughout the book, Maister provides remarkable connections from her unique experiences to broader themes of how grief influences memory, perception, and healing. She explores how trauma shaped the way she remembered her childhood pre- and post- tragedy, as she revisits her life at age 12, when her family was faced with the death of her father in the early 1960s; and how reflection and recognition of grief as it arose throughout her life sparked continued renewal of mind, body, and spirit.

She recounts the brutal loss of her partner, and having to navigate the New York criminal justice system in the 1980s while grieving his death. She describes how at times in the fight for justice for her partner, and as a victim, her grief, and its toll on her emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing, exposed her to a sad truth: for many, how closely related you are to the departed can and often does determine how others expect grief to impact us, and how we should respond.

While reading these reflections, I found myself reviewing the moments in my own life when I felt my own grief was questioned, dismissed, condemned. Often what is demanded of us in sorrow and healing does not align with the circumstances of our grief, or our true feelings, connections, and timelines. We may face pressures about how we grieve and for how long, and find ourselves feeling dismissed, isolated, unsupported, and advocating for our right to grieve. We must take ownership of finding supportive tools, communities, and methods of dealing and healing through it all.

Comfort and validation for everyone grieving

And as Maister revisits the third journey in her life as a mourner, witnessing the sudden decline of her mother’s health, and facing several events that would result in her slow end-of-life transition, she reminds readers that no matter our age and no matter how many times we’ve mourned, we cannot shy away from the messiness of grief.

Maister’s essays illuminate how mourning transforms us, for better or worse. It can inspire introspection and reconciliation with self, circumstances, and people, and has the potential to both stunt us and foster our continued growth through each cycle of life. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to find comfort and validation in their grief, and empowerment through a heartfelt testimony of a journey of mourning and healing.

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