Will the real Dark Knight please stand up?

4 minute read
Who’s behind the mask? (Christian Bale in “The Dark Knight Rises”; © 2012 - Warner Bros. Pictures)
Who’s behind the mask? (Christian Bale in “The Dark Knight Rises”; © 2012 - Warner Bros. Pictures)

Bane: Greetings and welcome, my fiends! I'd like to call to order the monthly Board of Directors meeting of the League of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks.

I'm your chairperson, Bane.

With us today are five longstanding Board members: the Joker, Two-Face, Ra's al Ghul, the Riddler, and the Penguin. A no-show again for the fourth straight month is Selina Kyle. I sure hope Selina hasn't turned on us because I have a DVD of Les Miz at home and that chick singing “I Dreamed a Dream” always makes me cry.

Joker: Me too. Don't get me started!

Bane: Now, gentlemen, we decided that today would be a brainstorming session on the subject of Batman's secret identity. The topic was suggested by Two-Face, who has some very interesting thoughts to share with us. Two?

Two-Face: Thanks, Bane. It occurred to me the other day that Batman in his everyday life probably makes a pretty good buck. Well above the minimum wage.

Ra's al Ghul: How do you figure?

Two-Face: Where do all those gadgets come from? The car, the hovercraft, the motorcycles, that totally unnecessary flare with the bat logo in the last movie? You can't get 'em at Goodwill!

Penguin: True. Bet he has a decent benefits package too. Wonder where he works.

Two-Face: No, Penguin, I don't think Batman works anywhere. Picture this: The Dark Knight has a job selling lingerie at Target, and one day one of us decides to destroy Gotham City. The phone rings:

"I know the Bat Signal's been shining for half an hour, Commissioner Gordon, but I don't get off work until 10 p.m. And my supervisor's been riding my ass hard all week!"

Riddler: Maybe he works for Sam's Club?

Two-Face: No, he doesn't work for Sam's Club, you moron! He's a multimillionaire!

All: Ohhh! Never thought of that.

Two-Face: So, who has some suggestions as to who Batman might be?

Ra's al Ghul: Well, how about Warren Buffett? I've always admired him.

Bane: Me too!

Two-Face: Hello: Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane....Earth to Ra's al Ghul and Bane!

Ra's al Ghul and Bane: Yes, Two?

Two-Face: Warren Buffett is 84 years old!

Ra's al Ghul: Oh. Well how about Bill Gates?

Riddler: Nah, too nerdy.

Joker: I was thinking maybe the Koch Brothers. One of them could be out there as Batman while the other lobbies the hard-core Republicans, then they could switch off. Very efficient!

Bane: Are you kidding?

Joker: What do you mean?

Bane: Those two guys are way more evil than we are! The Koch Brothers are about as likely to be Batman as they are to be lunching this week with Dr. Cornel West.

Two-Face: Guys, I'm leaning toward Mark Zuckerberg. He's young, he's brash, and he's done wonders for the popularity of kittens.

Ra's al Ghul: I think I just heard the sound of ten thousand Jewish grandmothers kvelling! But could Batman really be Jewish?

Riddler: He looks to me like the kind of Jewish guy who can't stand the sight of blood. So, no.

Joker: How about Donald Trump?

Bane: Joker! Much as we all hate the Dark Knight, Batman cannot be the world's biggest asshole!

Penguin: Say, what about Bruce Wayne?

Joker: Bruce Wayne? He's an idiot! He burned down the family mansion and didn't even notice when his girlfriend morphed from looking like Katie Holmes to looking like Maggie Gyllenhaal!

Penguin: Too bad, because he's the only multimillionaire living in Gotham, his parents' murder could have sparked a lifelong battle against injustice, and he spent years in the Himalayas studying the deadliest and most secretive form of martial arts in existence.

Joker: Sure. Now, moving right along....

Ra's al Ghul: I've got it!

All: Who?

Ra's al Ghul: Oprah!

All: Oprah! Of course!

Ra's al Ghul: We all know Oprah can do anything. No doubt she can save Gotham from any one of us, look absolutely stunning in the doing, and still be home in time for dinner with Stedman.

Bane: Oprah it is! Now who's up next to destroy Gotham City?

Two-Face: That's me. I'm scheduled for October 8, 9, and 10.

Bane: Great! I'm marking it in my book. Penguin, you are assigned to approach Oprah and tell her we will expose her secret if she dare oppose us.

Penguin: What secret? That she and Gayle. . . .

Bane: Not that secret!

Penguin: I'll do it! I'll do it on behalf of Arch Villains Who Think Batman Sucks everywhere!

Bane: Terrific. And Penguin?

Penguin: Yes, Bane.

Bane: Get me an autograph.

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