Guess what Little Jack Horner pulled out? (Hint: He had a concealed-carry permit)

NRA nursery rhymes

3 minute read
Pretty sure we all know what would have stopped Georgie Porgie's sick rampage. (Photo via Creative Commons/Wikimedia)
Pretty sure we all know what would have stopped Georgie Porgie's sick rampage. (Photo via Creative Commons/Wikimedia)

Since 2006, more than 14,500 people have been shot in Philadelphia. That’s one shooting every six hours. And 83 percent of Philadelphia’s homicide victims over the past 10 years were killed with a firearm. On average, over 17,000 U.S. children under the age of 19 are shot every year. Who do we have to thank for keeping access to guns so easy? The National Rifle Association (NRA), of course!

Really grim Grimm's

NRA recently rewrote a number of Grimm’s fairy tales to include guns. In their version of Little Red Riding Hood, for instance, Red is packing heat, and so is grandma! When the Big Bad Wolf tries to attack them? BLAM! What a happy ending.
Encouraging children and toddlers to cozy up to handguns is quite an original idea! In this spirit, we’ve rewritten a few nursery rhymes, NRA-style, for you to read to your kids:

Killer Rhymes

Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
I nailed the other one
With my open-carry Glock.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
So between the two of them,
They decided to hold up a grocery store.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a box of ammo.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown,
So — BLAM! — Jill put him out of his misery with her Taurus PT111 Millennium G2.

Hey Diddle Diddle,
The cat and the Uzi,
The cow jumped over the Luger.
The little dog laughed to see such guns
And the dish ran away with a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum.

Three men in a tub.
One perp, one eyewitness, and one murder victim in a tub.

One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, open the door of the gun safe.
Five, six, pick up Daddy’s magnum.
Seven, eight, try to shoot straight.
Nine, ten, do it again.

The itsy bitsy spider
Went up the water spout.
Two toddlers used him for target practice
And BANG! took him (and the water spout and a good chunk of the roof) right out.

Baa, baa, gun dealer,
Have you any weapons?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for your toddler,
And one for your teen,
And one for the little girl who lives down the lane.
Baa, baa, gun dealer,
Do we need to get permits?
Are you kidding me? We’re at a gun show. Not a problem!

Georgie Porgie,
Pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls
And made them cry
'Til one pulled out her AK-47,
Squeezed the trigger and yelled, “See you in Heaven!”

This little piggy went to a gun show,
This little piggy funded NRA-approved candidates,
This little piggy went on a shooting spree,
This little piggy defended him in court.
And this little piggy cried, “Wah, wah, wah, you’ve violated my Second Amendment Rights!”
All the way to federal prison.

Facilitates gun deaths
Every day.

Goodnight, cruel world

Now that your kids are clamoring for their own weapons, you can read this classic bedtime story to them. We’ve altered it slightly:

In the great ammo room
There was a Ruger,
And a well-armed shooter,
And a picture of
An NRA official over the moon.
And there were many little senators sitting on chairs,
And very rich lobbyists,
And a big pile of dollars,
And many victims frowning,
And a big heap of Brownings,
And an IED, and great big tripwire,
And a big bunch of militiamen whispering “Fire!”
Goodnight Remingtons,
Goodnight Smith and Wesson,
Goodnight NRA,
And thanks for the pro-gun lesson.

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