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The end of the world is near. No, seriously. Are you ready?
Countdown to Armageddon
Jackie Schifalacqua
Happy New Year! It's time to get ready, because the Mayan calendar, which began with the Fifth Great Cycle in 311 B.C., will end on the winter solstice of December 21, 2012. Experts in Mayan culture predict that, among other natural destructions on this date, Old Faithful in Wyoming will erupt in a cacophony of fire and ash and bury most of the lower 48.
If this information doesn't give you much time to accomplish all the things on your bucket list, don't worry. The Mayan countdown is the last of your worries.
You see, Harold Camping, the prophet of Family Radio, claims that on May 21, 2011 the Rapture will begin, at which time all the holy and righteous will be taken up into heaven. The world's remaining slobs will be left to face the upheaval in 2012.
Camping bases this theory on his precise understanding of the New Testament's Book of Revelation. Well, not entirely precise: In 1994 Camping said the Rapture would occur that year. He's a walking demonstration as to why Martin Luther resisted including this book in the Protestant Bible for lay people to interpret on their own.
The Ecuador option
On the other hand, maybe Camping and Mayans know something the rest of us don't. So why not take a few sensible precautions? For instance:
1. Stock up on toilet paper. If you're lucky, perhaps you have some left over from the Y2K preparations 11years ago. (For some reason, when people think of a doomsday scenario, they suddenly realize they're low on toilet paper.)
2. Find a sinner to pet sit with your animals. Since only the righteous will be gathered up to heaven on May 21, the rest will be left on earth to face the end of the world. So if you know you're a good person and care about feeding Fido, make arrangements to leave him in the care of a Catholic priest or a Jewish friend who hasn't converted.
3. Move to Ecuador. The rents are cheap, three-bedroom condos sell for under $100,000 and your neighbors speak Spanish. It'll be like living in downtown Phoenix but without the volcano fallout from Yellowstone Park.
4. Assert your Second Amendment right and buy a gun. This way, when things become unbearable, you can kill your neighbors and then yourself.
Why the Mayans stopped
If all of this strikes you as nonsense, here's something to ponder: During the 3,000 years the Mayans reigned in Central America, they contributed nothing to Western civilization except a calendar, which ends abruptly in our Gregorian calendar year of 2012.
OK, OK. Maybe the Mayans stopped counting at the end of what we call 2012 because they ran out of ink. Or maybe they had to pack up in a hurry to escape being eaten alive by the Aztecs. And if the Mayans possessed such superior knowledge of the future, how come they didn't warn all their fellow Mesoamericans about 1492?
Me, I say better safe than sorry. Besides, toilet paper never goes stale.
If this information doesn't give you much time to accomplish all the things on your bucket list, don't worry. The Mayan countdown is the last of your worries.
You see, Harold Camping, the prophet of Family Radio, claims that on May 21, 2011 the Rapture will begin, at which time all the holy and righteous will be taken up into heaven. The world's remaining slobs will be left to face the upheaval in 2012.
Camping bases this theory on his precise understanding of the New Testament's Book of Revelation. Well, not entirely precise: In 1994 Camping said the Rapture would occur that year. He's a walking demonstration as to why Martin Luther resisted including this book in the Protestant Bible for lay people to interpret on their own.
The Ecuador option
On the other hand, maybe Camping and Mayans know something the rest of us don't. So why not take a few sensible precautions? For instance:
1. Stock up on toilet paper. If you're lucky, perhaps you have some left over from the Y2K preparations 11years ago. (For some reason, when people think of a doomsday scenario, they suddenly realize they're low on toilet paper.)
2. Find a sinner to pet sit with your animals. Since only the righteous will be gathered up to heaven on May 21, the rest will be left on earth to face the end of the world. So if you know you're a good person and care about feeding Fido, make arrangements to leave him in the care of a Catholic priest or a Jewish friend who hasn't converted.
3. Move to Ecuador. The rents are cheap, three-bedroom condos sell for under $100,000 and your neighbors speak Spanish. It'll be like living in downtown Phoenix but without the volcano fallout from Yellowstone Park.
4. Assert your Second Amendment right and buy a gun. This way, when things become unbearable, you can kill your neighbors and then yourself.
Why the Mayans stopped
If all of this strikes you as nonsense, here's something to ponder: During the 3,000 years the Mayans reigned in Central America, they contributed nothing to Western civilization except a calendar, which ends abruptly in our Gregorian calendar year of 2012.
OK, OK. Maybe the Mayans stopped counting at the end of what we call 2012 because they ran out of ink. Or maybe they had to pack up in a hurry to escape being eaten alive by the Aztecs. And if the Mayans possessed such superior knowledge of the future, how come they didn't warn all their fellow Mesoamericans about 1492?
Me, I say better safe than sorry. Besides, toilet paper never goes stale.
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