Keep Ben Franklin out of this

A comprehensive list of what not to do as COVID-19 hits Philly

3 minute read
When things get foggy and lonely in Philly, you need info you can trust. (Photo by Alaina Johns.)
When things get foggy and lonely in Philly, you need info you can trust. (Photo by Alaina Johns.)

These are unprecedented and trying times. It often feels as if misinformation, anxiety, and rumors rule the day. I’d like to aid the City of Philadelphia in dispelling noxious rumors and giving Philadelphians some clarity in regard to dealing with the threat of the novel coronavirus.

I hope this easy list of do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts) clears up any confusion you may have about flattening the curve in Philadelphia.

Dangerous activities

If you are showing symptoms of COVID-19, STAY HOME. Rubbing the Rocky Statue will not boost the immune system of those infected. Remember folks, Rocky lost in the end!

The fumes from illegal dirt bikes do not destroy any airborne coronavirus particles. We urge you to keep all illegal dirt biking to a minimum. Only take your four-wheeler out for groceries or to pick up your grandmother.

Some of you believe you are suffering from symptoms, like shortness of breath. That is not shortness of breath; you just sent a risky text to your ex and now you are having a panic attack. Let me join the city in urging all local residents to NOT text your ex. We’re here to remind you that they are an ex for a reason. We also cannot handle the strain of false self-diagnoses. We can’t waste time or resources due to your thirst for attention or closure.

We’ve been told that beards are terrible during this pandemic as the particles of the virus can cling to facial hair. That does not mean that it is OK to shave the faces of hipsters in Fishtown. Please stop doing this.

We strongly discourage you from taking up rollerblading. Yes, this would be the perfect time to reintroduce rollerblading to Philadelphia. The streets are relatively clear. No, it won’t become a thing once the stay-at-home order is lifted.

What we don’t have

We feel for Italy. That being said, this is not Italy. The singing of “Eye of the Tiger” from your rooftop will only be met by screams from your neighbors. Your voice isn’t as good as the alcohol makes you think it is. Also, get off your roof.

If you order from Subway during these times, then you will have your Philadelphia credentials revoked immediately. Mayor Kenney has placed officers in front of every Subway for this specific purpose. Eat local. This is the greatest sandwich city in the world. Don’t spend your pandemic days eating subpar sandwiches.

The rumor that the virus makes your three-point percentage go up is untrue. Please stop trying to cough on Ben Simmons.

Do not attempt to break into the zoo. We don’t care how drunk you are. You cannot just become a Tiger King overnight. That takes training. And bedazzling. You don’t have either.

Trying our souls

Do not walk over the Ben Franklin Bridge into New Jersey to get liquor. It is a longer walk than you even realize and we won’t offer you a ride back over the bridge once your arms get tired.

Last but not least, please stop trying to make love to your partner on or near the grave of Ben Franklin. It won’t raise his spirit from the dead nor will it give you immunity. The man was a freak of nature. Plus, we tried it already and it didn’t work.

We hope that we've cleared up some questions for our nervous residents. We suggest treating everyone you come across during this stressful period with kindness and respect, because we are all going through this alone together. Thomas Paine once wrote, “These are the times that try men's souls.” Please don’t try ours by falling for false information. Stay distanced. Stay safe.

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