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What do you think of Jerry Lewis? (and other reasons why 60 isn’t the new 40)
30 reasons why 60 is not the new 40
Perry Block
“Sixty is the New 40.”
It’s a common aphorism these days, doubtless meant to calm us Baby Boomers who are growing so long in the tooth that we now need two hands to hold our toothbrushes. And reassuring it indeed is.
There’s only one problem: It’s a load of crap. Sixty is not the new 40. Here are 30 quick reasons why.
1) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t spend more time grooming ear hair than head hair.
2) Someone who’s 40 has never heard the words, “That’s two down, eight to go, Mr. Cerf.”
3) You still don't know what twerking is.
4) Try singing "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh" by Allan Sherman to somebody who is 40.
5) Someone who’s 40 doesn't get hit on at parties by women who look old enough to be his grandmother.
6) Someone who’s 60 remembers when Jack Lemmon was young and bouncy.
7) If you’re 60, you have more than one doctor. And they’re all significantly younger than you are.
8) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t hesitate to smile at an attractive young woman on the street for fear she might promptly summon the police who will arrest and incarcerate him, to be followed promptly by a beating brutally administered by two hard-boiled cops who make Vin Diesel seem like Emily Dickinson.
Harry and Sally’s orgasm
9) Someone who’s 40 has never said or ever contemplated saying, "I'm letting my freak flag fly."
10) If Harry were to meet Sally these days, the closest he'd get to an orgasm with her is hearing her fake one in a deli.
11) Someone who’s 40 cannot believe there was ever a comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk. Somebody who’s 60 always thought the comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk was annoying and stupid, but still has a warm spot for Foster Brooks because his dad liked him.
12) Someone who’s 40 thinks of Bob Denver only as that idiot Gilligan and not as Maynard G. Krebs, the truly funny beatnik character he played on “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.”
13) When someone who’s 40 runs into an old friend, he never hears the word "Grandkids?"
14) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t generally sputter, wheeze or spit when he speaks.
15) Someone who is 40 doesn’t remember SeÓ±or Wences.
16) "There's a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights, there's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights, there's a scout troupe short a child, Khrushchev's due at Idlewild, Car 54, where are you?" Ever hear a 40-year-old sing that?
Origins of “It sucks”
17) Someone who's 60 kind of misses the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon. Somebody who is 40 thinks Jerry Lewis is an incredibly obnoxious asshole.
18) Someone who’s 60 remembers when the expression "sucks" sounded downright dirty, and probably was.
19) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t experience a warm twinge of recognition upon hearing, "Jane Kean! Sheila MacRae! Ahhhht Carneee! Goodnight, everybody!"
20) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t have a neck that looks like a marsupial's pouch.
21) Someone who’s 60 remembers a time when Charlton Heston was considered a fine actor.
22) A 60-year-old thinks Foster The People is a social program under the Obama Administration.
23) A man who’s 40 generally doesn’t have droopy breasts.
Cloud computing
24) Someone who’s 40 isn’t nearly as disturbed as someone who is 60 that Dustin Hoffman, Richard Dreyfus and Henry Winkler are now playing Jewish grandfathers.
25) Someone who is 40 has no idea what transcript from what TV show you used to receive if you sent $5 to the Merkle Press.
26) Someone who’s 40 isn’t scratching his head even today over how the lyric "I've got a friend in Jesus" ever got into a song by a guy named Norman Greenbaum.
27) Someone who’s 40 is Paul Rudd. Someone who is 60 is Albert Brooks, and probably not even anywhere near as residually cute.
28) A 40-year-old doesn’t think cloud computing has something to do with how many clouds you can count that are shaped like pussycats.
29) On September 12, 2013, I was 63. In every possible respect, especially looks and appearance, I’m exactly like someone who’s is 40!
30) Unlike someone who’s 40, somebody who’s 60 is frequently delusional.
It’s a common aphorism these days, doubtless meant to calm us Baby Boomers who are growing so long in the tooth that we now need two hands to hold our toothbrushes. And reassuring it indeed is.
There’s only one problem: It’s a load of crap. Sixty is not the new 40. Here are 30 quick reasons why.
1) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t spend more time grooming ear hair than head hair.
2) Someone who’s 40 has never heard the words, “That’s two down, eight to go, Mr. Cerf.”
3) You still don't know what twerking is.
4) Try singing "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh" by Allan Sherman to somebody who is 40.
5) Someone who’s 40 doesn't get hit on at parties by women who look old enough to be his grandmother.
6) Someone who’s 60 remembers when Jack Lemmon was young and bouncy.
7) If you’re 60, you have more than one doctor. And they’re all significantly younger than you are.
8) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t hesitate to smile at an attractive young woman on the street for fear she might promptly summon the police who will arrest and incarcerate him, to be followed promptly by a beating brutally administered by two hard-boiled cops who make Vin Diesel seem like Emily Dickinson.
Harry and Sally’s orgasm
9) Someone who’s 40 has never said or ever contemplated saying, "I'm letting my freak flag fly."
10) If Harry were to meet Sally these days, the closest he'd get to an orgasm with her is hearing her fake one in a deli.
11) Someone who’s 40 cannot believe there was ever a comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk. Somebody who’s 60 always thought the comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk was annoying and stupid, but still has a warm spot for Foster Brooks because his dad liked him.
12) Someone who’s 40 thinks of Bob Denver only as that idiot Gilligan and not as Maynard G. Krebs, the truly funny beatnik character he played on “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.”
13) When someone who’s 40 runs into an old friend, he never hears the word "Grandkids?"
14) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t generally sputter, wheeze or spit when he speaks.
15) Someone who is 40 doesn’t remember SeÓ±or Wences.
16) "There's a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights, there's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights, there's a scout troupe short a child, Khrushchev's due at Idlewild, Car 54, where are you?" Ever hear a 40-year-old sing that?
Origins of “It sucks”
17) Someone who's 60 kind of misses the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon. Somebody who is 40 thinks Jerry Lewis is an incredibly obnoxious asshole.
18) Someone who’s 60 remembers when the expression "sucks" sounded downright dirty, and probably was.
19) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t experience a warm twinge of recognition upon hearing, "Jane Kean! Sheila MacRae! Ahhhht Carneee! Goodnight, everybody!"
20) Someone who’s 40 doesn’t have a neck that looks like a marsupial's pouch.
21) Someone who’s 60 remembers a time when Charlton Heston was considered a fine actor.
22) A 60-year-old thinks Foster The People is a social program under the Obama Administration.
23) A man who’s 40 generally doesn’t have droopy breasts.
Cloud computing
24) Someone who’s 40 isn’t nearly as disturbed as someone who is 60 that Dustin Hoffman, Richard Dreyfus and Henry Winkler are now playing Jewish grandfathers.
25) Someone who is 40 has no idea what transcript from what TV show you used to receive if you sent $5 to the Merkle Press.
26) Someone who’s 40 isn’t scratching his head even today over how the lyric "I've got a friend in Jesus" ever got into a song by a guy named Norman Greenbaum.
27) Someone who’s 40 is Paul Rudd. Someone who is 60 is Albert Brooks, and probably not even anywhere near as residually cute.
28) A 40-year-old doesn’t think cloud computing has something to do with how many clouds you can count that are shaped like pussycats.
29) On September 12, 2013, I was 63. In every possible respect, especially looks and appearance, I’m exactly like someone who’s is 40!
30) Unlike someone who’s 40, somebody who’s 60 is frequently delusional.
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