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Farewell, New Jersey
Should New Jersey leave the Union?
Dan Rottenberg
For reasons that only their therapists can explain, some 125,000 Texans have signed a petition demanding that Texas leave the Union. Presumably for equally complex Freudian reasons, BSR's Robert Zaller agrees with them, even though he doesn't live anywhere near Texas.
"Politically and culturally, we'd all be better off," Professor Zaller insists, apparently under the delusion that his own jurisdiction— Bala Cynwyd— is assured its place in the Union in perpetuity. (For Robert's essay, click here.)
Zaller's argument enjoys long and noble antecedents. During the 1850s, America's so-called "peace Democrats"— men like Stephen Douglas, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan— argued that we'd be better off letting the slave states secede than fighting a war to hang onto them.
"Suppose the South, so run mad, that they would not be wooed back to the Union— what then?" asked Benjamin Bond of Illinois in 1859. "Why…. in God's name, let them go in peace, until they shall have learned from sad experience and a stern necessity, that they cannot keep house without us."
More recently, in the 1970s residents of Nebraska's rural western panhandle, feeling neglected by big city politicians in Omaha and Lincoln at the eastern end of their state, sought to secede from Nebraska and affiliate with a more sympatico state like Colorado or Wyoming.
Two fatal flaws
About the same time, residents of Philadelphia's Great Northeast attempted to secede from Philadelphia— a movement that foundered only when one of them realized that most of them would lose their jobs as Philadelphia police officers. And when Slovakia seceded from Czechoslovakia in 1992, no one in Prague really objected because, hey, it's only Slovakia.
(Besides, the Slovaks had already seceded from Czechoslovakia once before, in 1939. Going to war over Slovak secession is like getting worked up over one of Ronald Perelman's divorces.)
Secession: an idea whose time has come— in fact, has kept on coming ever since Athens broke up with Sparta.
Unfortunately, Professor Zaller's thesis suffers from two fatal flaws.
First, who is this "we" he keeps talking about, who would be better off if Texas left the Union?
I have it on good authority that Zaller belongs to a parasitic class of suburbanites who invade Philadelphia by day, clogging our city streets and straining our resources while they partake of our cultural and commercial riches— and then, come evening, sneak back across the city line before we Philadelphians can dun them for their fair share of our public expenses. And you wonder why we hijacked the Barnes from Merion.
As Tonto said to the Lone Ranger, "What you mean "'we,' white man?"
Who named Ho-Ho-Kus?
More important, why does Texas rank so high on Zaller's priority list? What have Texans ever done to him? We Pennsylvanians have a much more serious candidate for expulsion from the Union right here in our own back yard. I speak, of course, of New Jersey.
Seriously, what can you say about a state whose land is consumed mostly by shopping malls, parking lots, traffic circles and oil refineries? That relies on casinos to balance its budget? That gives its towns names like "Hoboken," "Weehawken," "Ho-Ho-Kus," "Manahawkin," "Metuchen," "Piscataway," "Mantoloking" and "Mahwah"? A state whose residents build homes along the seashore and then profess shock when said homes are washed away? Whose governor describes his own constituents as "idiots"? Whose most distinguished university's most distinguished alumni are Aaron Burr, Nicholas Biddle, James Baker, Donald Rumsfeld, Samuel Alito and Brooke Shields? Whose most popular restaurant is the Molly Pitcher rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike? A state that— thanks to Newark, Jersey City, Paterson, Trenton and Camden— leads the world in number of armpit cities per capita?
Sodom and Gomorrah
Unlike Zaller, who writes about Texas from a safe distance, I must pass through New Jersey once a week when I visit my family in New York. Let me tell you: It's a living hell!
If only New Jersey would secede, I could travel to New York by way of Connecticut. Then my life would be almost as happy as Professor Zaller thinks his life would be if the United States got rid of Texas.
But surely, you object, decent, civic-minded citizens can be found in New Jersey. Must they suffer for the transgressions of others?
The short answer is: Yes, they must. What's needed here is moral clarity. As God said to Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah: If you can find ten good people in either city, I'll spare both. You know how that turned out.
The choice is clear. Texas can leave the Union, and so can New Jersey. So can the Nebraska panhandle. And so can Bala Cynwyd. And so can my next-door neighbor who plays his home audio system real loud. But as for Professor Zaller and me— we're staying. And if you don't like our company— well, you can always secede.♦
To read responses, click here.
"Politically and culturally, we'd all be better off," Professor Zaller insists, apparently under the delusion that his own jurisdiction— Bala Cynwyd— is assured its place in the Union in perpetuity. (For Robert's essay, click here.)
Zaller's argument enjoys long and noble antecedents. During the 1850s, America's so-called "peace Democrats"— men like Stephen Douglas, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan— argued that we'd be better off letting the slave states secede than fighting a war to hang onto them.
"Suppose the South, so run mad, that they would not be wooed back to the Union— what then?" asked Benjamin Bond of Illinois in 1859. "Why…. in God's name, let them go in peace, until they shall have learned from sad experience and a stern necessity, that they cannot keep house without us."
More recently, in the 1970s residents of Nebraska's rural western panhandle, feeling neglected by big city politicians in Omaha and Lincoln at the eastern end of their state, sought to secede from Nebraska and affiliate with a more sympatico state like Colorado or Wyoming.
Two fatal flaws
About the same time, residents of Philadelphia's Great Northeast attempted to secede from Philadelphia— a movement that foundered only when one of them realized that most of them would lose their jobs as Philadelphia police officers. And when Slovakia seceded from Czechoslovakia in 1992, no one in Prague really objected because, hey, it's only Slovakia.
(Besides, the Slovaks had already seceded from Czechoslovakia once before, in 1939. Going to war over Slovak secession is like getting worked up over one of Ronald Perelman's divorces.)
Secession: an idea whose time has come— in fact, has kept on coming ever since Athens broke up with Sparta.
Unfortunately, Professor Zaller's thesis suffers from two fatal flaws.
First, who is this "we" he keeps talking about, who would be better off if Texas left the Union?
I have it on good authority that Zaller belongs to a parasitic class of suburbanites who invade Philadelphia by day, clogging our city streets and straining our resources while they partake of our cultural and commercial riches— and then, come evening, sneak back across the city line before we Philadelphians can dun them for their fair share of our public expenses. And you wonder why we hijacked the Barnes from Merion.
As Tonto said to the Lone Ranger, "What you mean "'we,' white man?"
Who named Ho-Ho-Kus?
More important, why does Texas rank so high on Zaller's priority list? What have Texans ever done to him? We Pennsylvanians have a much more serious candidate for expulsion from the Union right here in our own back yard. I speak, of course, of New Jersey.
Seriously, what can you say about a state whose land is consumed mostly by shopping malls, parking lots, traffic circles and oil refineries? That relies on casinos to balance its budget? That gives its towns names like "Hoboken," "Weehawken," "Ho-Ho-Kus," "Manahawkin," "Metuchen," "Piscataway," "Mantoloking" and "Mahwah"? A state whose residents build homes along the seashore and then profess shock when said homes are washed away? Whose governor describes his own constituents as "idiots"? Whose most distinguished university's most distinguished alumni are Aaron Burr, Nicholas Biddle, James Baker, Donald Rumsfeld, Samuel Alito and Brooke Shields? Whose most popular restaurant is the Molly Pitcher rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike? A state that— thanks to Newark, Jersey City, Paterson, Trenton and Camden— leads the world in number of armpit cities per capita?
Sodom and Gomorrah
Unlike Zaller, who writes about Texas from a safe distance, I must pass through New Jersey once a week when I visit my family in New York. Let me tell you: It's a living hell!
If only New Jersey would secede, I could travel to New York by way of Connecticut. Then my life would be almost as happy as Professor Zaller thinks his life would be if the United States got rid of Texas.
But surely, you object, decent, civic-minded citizens can be found in New Jersey. Must they suffer for the transgressions of others?
The short answer is: Yes, they must. What's needed here is moral clarity. As God said to Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah: If you can find ten good people in either city, I'll spare both. You know how that turned out.
The choice is clear. Texas can leave the Union, and so can New Jersey. So can the Nebraska panhandle. And so can Bala Cynwyd. And so can my next-door neighbor who plays his home audio system real loud. But as for Professor Zaller and me— we're staying. And if you don't like our company— well, you can always secede.♦
To read responses, click here.
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