How to make the news more exciting

When you read or watch the news, do you ever get the feeling that you already know what they’re going to say? Wouldn’t it be nice if, once in a while, a news story surprised you? Something like this:

The terrorist story

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan— Quaker terrorists stormed into a crowded marketplace on Saturday, subjecting hundreds of traumatized shoppers to long, pointless conversations.

Parents hurled their bodies over their children, people jumped into ventilation shafts to save themselves, and shoppers huddled behind clothing racks as two squads of Quakers, many of them disguised as women, moved through the market.

“I’ve never seen such chaos,” said Ali Mustafa Khan, who survived by diving into a barrel of chickpeas. “Everywhere you turned, they were handing out leaflets, bearing Christian witness and engaging in friendly persuasion. We were totally defenseless!”

“You could tell they were well-trained,” said another survivor. “First they ordered all Quakers to leave the area. Then they moved forward, methodically passing out apple cider and cookies to everyone in their path.”

Pakistan’s president, Asif Ali Zardan, called the terrorists cowards and said Pakistan would invoke the Mosaic law of “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” When told that Mosaic law was actually Jewish, he replied, “Well, you know what I mean.”

The Philadelphia Orchestra crisis story

PHILADELPHIA— The Philadelphia Orchestra, faced with another crisis, announced a major shakeup on its board.

“Our latest predicament has forced us to take a good hard look at our trustees,” said the board’s chairman, Richard B. Worley. “It turns out that almost all of them are business executives or philanthropists who don’t know the first thing about music. They’re terrific fund-raisers, but we’ve already got more money than we know what to do with. What we need at this critical moment are composers and musicologists who can help us attract and retain the best possible talent in today’s highly competitive musical market.”

At the beginning of the current fiscal year, Worley said, the Orchestra had an operating deficit of six violins, four cellos and two bassoons. “If we can’t fill those slots by the end of the calendar year,” he warned, “we may have to cancel the rest of the season.”

The Comcast story

PHILADELPHIA— Comcast, the nation’s largest cable TV company, announced a drastic shift in corporate strategy away from monopolizing local markets in favor of robust, wide-open competition for customer service.

“I seek opportunity, not security,” Comcast chief executive Brian Roberts told reporters. “I want to take the calculated risk, to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed, to refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence, the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia.”

As part of the new strategy, Roberts said Comcast would immediately fire all of its high-paid lawyers and lobbyists. “What on earth do lawyers and lobbyists have to do with providing service and entertainment to our customers?” he asked rhetorically.

When asked whether Comcast’s new strategy would include hiring cable repair technicians who know how to form declarative sentences and wipe their shoes when they enter people’s homes, Robert replied, “Let’s not go overboard here. One thing at a time.”

The progressive pope story

ROME— In a move likely to further enrage his church’s conservative wing, Pope Francis urged Catholics to get over their preoccupation with the divinity of Jesus and focus on bigger issues, like ending global poverty.

The Pope described Jesus as “a very important philosopher, certainly on a par with Socrates, Dr. Phil and Baba Ram Dass.” But he insisted that no philosopher is infallible.

“When it came to comforting the poor, Jesus was superb,” Francis remarked. “But when it came to actually alleviating poverty, he was clueless. Let’s face it: Telling rich people to give all their money to the poor is only slightly more helpful than telling them to flush it down the toilet.”

Francis said he continues to venerate Jesus on spiritual issues “because that’s my job.” But on economic matters, he said, “My idol is Adam Smith.”

The revamped Inquirer story

PHILADELPHIA— Announcing a new format called “More Global, More You,” Philadelphia Inquirer editor William K. Marimow unveiled a redesigned newspaper that he explained was “tailored to meet your needs” and based on “what we’ve heard from you in recent months in focus groups, readership surveys and conversations with readers.”

Under the new format, the Inquirer will focus on things that really matter in people’s lives, like war and peace, international geopolitics, climate change, global finance, technology, the Federal Reserve Board and the rise of non-governmental organizations.

The paper’s editorial and op-ed pages will be expanded to include thoughtful analysis and insight by the world’s leading academic experts, many writing in translation. Arts coverage will be beefed up as well, in response to a survey that shows attendance at Philadelphia arts events is nearly double that of Philadelphia sports events.

“You’ve told us that you’re highly educated and your time is valuable,” Marimow said. “You don’t want to waste it on suburban football scores and endless banter about the Phillies and Eagles.”

Marimow noted that “some of the world’s great universities are right here in Philadelphia. All the brainpower we need to explain the world is within a few miles of our office. So why should we waste all that gas by sending reporters to the suburbs, where nothing happens anyway?”

Asked how the financially troubled Inquirer will pay for its expanded coverage, Marimow replied, “That’s easy. We’ll fire any reporter who uses the word ”˜Yo!’ or ”˜Hey!’ or ”˜Philly’ in a story. That should cut our payroll in a hurry.”

The playboy lawyer story

PHILADELPHIA— After a young woman who worked at his firm was found dead in his bathtub, Philadelphia playboy lawyer Chuck Peruto Jr. shocked the legal community by refusing to talk about the incident to Lisa DePaulo of Philadelphia Magazine.

“This is a private, personal matter,” Peruto explained. “It just doesn’t seem appropriate for me to blab on endlessly about it in the pages of a glossy monthly lifestyle magazine. Besides, as a lawyer I’m an officer of the court. I certainly wouldn’t want my words to unduly influence the orderly proceedings of the justice system. The truth will come out in due course.”

Peruto’s decision defies a time-honored tradition of the Philadelphia bar whereby local playboy lawyers spill their deepest, darkest secrets to Lisa DePaulo as soon as she blinks her brown eyes at them, after which they persist in phoning and texting her at all hours of day and night for months. The practice apparently began in the 18th Century, when Andrew Hamilton and Jared Ingersoll discovered that it was cheaper to unburden themselves to Lisa DePaulo than to see a therapist.

The Philadelphia Bar Association, which provides counseling with Lisa DePaulo as part of its health benefits package, said it’s considering imposing sanctions against Peruto.

“It’s a matter of maintaining standards,” said Ken Shear, the association’s executive director. “If Philadelphia lawyers stop spilling their guts to Lisa DePaulo, next thing you know they’ll stop wearing suits and ties.” Informed that many lawyers have, in fact, stopped wearing suits and ties, Shear replied, “See what I mean?”♦


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