Stay in the Loop
BSR publishes on a weekly schedule, with an email newsletter every Wednesday and Thursday morning. There’s no paywall, and subscribing is always free.
Five key questions for mayoral candidates
Dan Rottenberg
The real 'Citizens' Voices':
Five key questions for mayoral candidates
DAN ROTTENBERG
Philadelphia’s mayoral primaries will soon be upon us, and you know what that means: “Citizens’ Voices,” a quadrennial feature on the Inquirer’s op-ed page in which panels of ordinary Philadelphians, prompted by earnest Inquirer editorial writers, pose questions to the candidates.
The problem with this exercise— aside from the destruction of perfectly decent forests— is that, once exposed to the lofty heights of the Inky’s ivory tower, the citizens on these panels invariably wind up asking questions they should ask rather than what they’d like to ask. My neighbors and I, excluded from the Inquirer’s panels, suffer from no such qualms. Here, then, are five real questions from real Philadelphians. I can’t speak for others, but the candidate who best addresses these concerns can count on my vote.
1. You’ve promised not to make race an issue in your campaign. But race is very important to my neighbors and me. So please stop beating around the bush and tell us forthrightly: Which race do you prefer, and why? Support your position with at least three specific examples. (Avoid emotional rhetoric.)
2. You’ve repeatedly pledged to “bring Philadelphians together,” even though most Philadelphians can’t stand each other. That’s why we’re moving to the suburbs— to get away from other Philadelphians. Personally, my happiest moments are the summer weekends, when other Philadelphians are at the shore and I have the whole city to myself. If, as mayor, you insist on bringing Philadelphians together, how do you propose to pay for the damages from the violence and bloodshed that will inevitably ensue? By raising taxes or cutting services? Please be specific.
3. Philadelphia calls itself the “City of Brotherly Love,” yet one ethnic group has been systematically excluded from any meaningful role in Philadelphia’s government for more than 300 years. I refer, of course, to my own ethnic group: Hungarian-Americans. This discrimination persists despite the fact that we Hungarians have produced such over-achievers as Franz Liszt, Eugene Ormandy, Sir Georg Solti, George Soros, Estée Lauder, Andrew Grove, Joyce Carol Oates, Arthur Koestler, Paul Newman, Leslie Howard, Tony Curtis, Edward Teller, Bela Bartok, Zoltan Kodaly, John Lukacs, Harry Houdini, Joseph Pulitzer, George Pataki, Alfred Bendiner, Art Buchwald, Frank Capra, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jerry Seinfeld and the inventor of the Rubik’s Cube. We Hungarian-Americans are a proud people, and our patience is growing thin. To correct past injustices and avoid possible violence and bloodshed, how many Hungarian-Americans do you plan to appoint to your cabinet?
4. Everything was fine in my neighborhood until a gay couple moved onto our block last year. In no time flat, these guys were shoveling snow, sweeping the sidewalks, painting house fronts, planting flower boxes, patrolling on town watches, organizing flea markets and just generally making the rest of us look lazy by comparison in the eyes of our children. We tried to tell our kids that gays have more time, energy and money than we do because they don’t have families to raise, but our kids don’t buy that line. The result has been a complete breakdown in parental authority. Hardly a week goes by lately that our kids don’t mug an old lady or hold up a Seven-11, even though we’ve specifically told them not to. What are you going to do about it?
5. You know, I'm getting awfully fed up with my job as a motor-car salesman. I don't know if you've ever experienced the feeling of driving an expensive motor-car that isn't your own. But it can be very, very exasperating. You know what I mean. You want to own the car yourself. I've often wondered what it would be like to-- retire to the country, have a nice little place with a few acres of shooting. I never figured out what it would cost a year, but I'd like to talk about it with you. I'd like to have your advice on how to live comfortably without hard work.
(Readerswho identify this last passage will receive, if not my vote, enduring fame in the pages of Broad Street Review.)
Five key questions for mayoral candidates
DAN ROTTENBERG
Philadelphia’s mayoral primaries will soon be upon us, and you know what that means: “Citizens’ Voices,” a quadrennial feature on the Inquirer’s op-ed page in which panels of ordinary Philadelphians, prompted by earnest Inquirer editorial writers, pose questions to the candidates.
The problem with this exercise— aside from the destruction of perfectly decent forests— is that, once exposed to the lofty heights of the Inky’s ivory tower, the citizens on these panels invariably wind up asking questions they should ask rather than what they’d like to ask. My neighbors and I, excluded from the Inquirer’s panels, suffer from no such qualms. Here, then, are five real questions from real Philadelphians. I can’t speak for others, but the candidate who best addresses these concerns can count on my vote.
1. You’ve promised not to make race an issue in your campaign. But race is very important to my neighbors and me. So please stop beating around the bush and tell us forthrightly: Which race do you prefer, and why? Support your position with at least three specific examples. (Avoid emotional rhetoric.)
2. You’ve repeatedly pledged to “bring Philadelphians together,” even though most Philadelphians can’t stand each other. That’s why we’re moving to the suburbs— to get away from other Philadelphians. Personally, my happiest moments are the summer weekends, when other Philadelphians are at the shore and I have the whole city to myself. If, as mayor, you insist on bringing Philadelphians together, how do you propose to pay for the damages from the violence and bloodshed that will inevitably ensue? By raising taxes or cutting services? Please be specific.
3. Philadelphia calls itself the “City of Brotherly Love,” yet one ethnic group has been systematically excluded from any meaningful role in Philadelphia’s government for more than 300 years. I refer, of course, to my own ethnic group: Hungarian-Americans. This discrimination persists despite the fact that we Hungarians have produced such over-achievers as Franz Liszt, Eugene Ormandy, Sir Georg Solti, George Soros, Estée Lauder, Andrew Grove, Joyce Carol Oates, Arthur Koestler, Paul Newman, Leslie Howard, Tony Curtis, Edward Teller, Bela Bartok, Zoltan Kodaly, John Lukacs, Harry Houdini, Joseph Pulitzer, George Pataki, Alfred Bendiner, Art Buchwald, Frank Capra, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jerry Seinfeld and the inventor of the Rubik’s Cube. We Hungarian-Americans are a proud people, and our patience is growing thin. To correct past injustices and avoid possible violence and bloodshed, how many Hungarian-Americans do you plan to appoint to your cabinet?
4. Everything was fine in my neighborhood until a gay couple moved onto our block last year. In no time flat, these guys were shoveling snow, sweeping the sidewalks, painting house fronts, planting flower boxes, patrolling on town watches, organizing flea markets and just generally making the rest of us look lazy by comparison in the eyes of our children. We tried to tell our kids that gays have more time, energy and money than we do because they don’t have families to raise, but our kids don’t buy that line. The result has been a complete breakdown in parental authority. Hardly a week goes by lately that our kids don’t mug an old lady or hold up a Seven-11, even though we’ve specifically told them not to. What are you going to do about it?
5. You know, I'm getting awfully fed up with my job as a motor-car salesman. I don't know if you've ever experienced the feeling of driving an expensive motor-car that isn't your own. But it can be very, very exasperating. You know what I mean. You want to own the car yourself. I've often wondered what it would be like to-- retire to the country, have a nice little place with a few acres of shooting. I never figured out what it would cost a year, but I'd like to talk about it with you. I'd like to have your advice on how to live comfortably without hard work.
(Readerswho identify this last passage will receive, if not my vote, enduring fame in the pages of Broad Street Review.)
Sign up for our newsletter
All of the week's new articles, all in one place. Sign up for the free weekly BSR newsletters, and don't miss a conversation.
