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The War Against Christmas: A film by Ken Burns
War on Christmas: The Ken Burns version
Perry Block
[Cue mournful background fiddle music.]
More than six years have passed since the war began, and still no end is in sight.
It is a brutal war. One that pits brother against brother, elf against gnome, reindeer against reindeer, and worst of all, Santa Claus vs. the Martians.
It is that national cataclysm known as The War against Christmas.
[Cue Theme to "The Civil War"]
Its origins seem obscure and even petty now.
In the latter Twentieth Century, rampant secularism gained strength throughout America. Christmas parties became holiday parties. Nativity scenes morphed into petting zoos. In department stores, Santa Claus began giving way to Richard Dawkins. Gradually the secularists were joined by disgruntled off-key carolers, reindeer haters and chubby chasers rejected by Santa.
This Union, as it was called, sought to reduce Christmas from 12 days to just seven, with only one Calling Bird, two French Hens, and no lords-a-Leaping or maids-a-milking whatever.
The first shot
On February 14, 2007, an overworked and jittery elf assigned to protect a shipment of coal lumps for Santa's naughty list threw a holiday wrapped Hershey's Kiss at a Union soldier. The first shot of the war had been fired, and the Union had its battle cry: "Remember the chocolated soldier!"
At first the Union had the best of the fighting. At the Battle of Candy Cane Crossing, a force of battled-hardened agnostics, atheists and secular humanists commanded by the Union's General Scrooge smashed through a line of Christmas Trees commanded by General Giggly Pointy Ears, resulting in the loss of over 47 candy canes, 28 holly wreaths, and six gingerbread men.
"Everywhere you looked as far as the eye could see, you saw chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain and, whirling around, I caught Jack Frost nipping at my nose! That's the last nose he'll ever nip."
—Journal of Union Private Lance Mesnick, April 15, 2007.
By day's end, not a creature was stirring— not even a mouse— at Candy Cane Crossing.
Rudolph's heroism
Christmas fought valiantly back. A force of seasoned elves under the flamboyant General Stonewall Sniggle de Goop surprised Union troops in a dense fog at Gumdrop Hill.
"Oh, Sarah! My heart is full and my hindquarters tingling! This one very foggy eve Santa came to say, "'Rudolf with your nose so bright, won't you guide our carnage tonight?' Dearest Sarah, in my dreams I kiss your own tingling hindquarters. With love forever, Rudolf."
— Letter from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to his wife, Sarah Weintraub Reindeer, August 14, 2007.
Just 11 days after the Battle of Gumdrop Hill, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer contracted hoof and mouth disease and Santa shot him.
North Pole disaster
The war ground on for six years without victory. The Union General Grinch's ill-advised decision to invade the North Pole resulted in disaster when Christmas forces implemented their "scorched ice policy." Unprepared for the frigid temperatures and constant Nutcracker night raids, the Union troops were decimated.
Christmas retaliated by forming an alliance with Mormons and supporting the presidential candidacy of Mitt Romney.
"Will there ever be an end with honor to this fight? Will a wise and just leader emerge as did once before during an earlier great American struggle? Will we ever get presents again? Oh, Rachel, who the hell knows?"
— Letter from Union Private Lance Mesnick to his wife, Rachel, December 15, 2012.
More than six years have passed since the war began, and still no end is in sight.
It is a brutal war. One that pits brother against brother, elf against gnome, reindeer against reindeer, and worst of all, Santa Claus vs. the Martians.
It is that national cataclysm known as The War against Christmas.
[Cue Theme to "The Civil War"]
Its origins seem obscure and even petty now.
In the latter Twentieth Century, rampant secularism gained strength throughout America. Christmas parties became holiday parties. Nativity scenes morphed into petting zoos. In department stores, Santa Claus began giving way to Richard Dawkins. Gradually the secularists were joined by disgruntled off-key carolers, reindeer haters and chubby chasers rejected by Santa.
This Union, as it was called, sought to reduce Christmas from 12 days to just seven, with only one Calling Bird, two French Hens, and no lords-a-Leaping or maids-a-milking whatever.
The first shot
On February 14, 2007, an overworked and jittery elf assigned to protect a shipment of coal lumps for Santa's naughty list threw a holiday wrapped Hershey's Kiss at a Union soldier. The first shot of the war had been fired, and the Union had its battle cry: "Remember the chocolated soldier!"
At first the Union had the best of the fighting. At the Battle of Candy Cane Crossing, a force of battled-hardened agnostics, atheists and secular humanists commanded by the Union's General Scrooge smashed through a line of Christmas Trees commanded by General Giggly Pointy Ears, resulting in the loss of over 47 candy canes, 28 holly wreaths, and six gingerbread men.
"Everywhere you looked as far as the eye could see, you saw chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain and, whirling around, I caught Jack Frost nipping at my nose! That's the last nose he'll ever nip."
—Journal of Union Private Lance Mesnick, April 15, 2007.
By day's end, not a creature was stirring— not even a mouse— at Candy Cane Crossing.
Rudolph's heroism
Christmas fought valiantly back. A force of seasoned elves under the flamboyant General Stonewall Sniggle de Goop surprised Union troops in a dense fog at Gumdrop Hill.
"Oh, Sarah! My heart is full and my hindquarters tingling! This one very foggy eve Santa came to say, "'Rudolf with your nose so bright, won't you guide our carnage tonight?' Dearest Sarah, in my dreams I kiss your own tingling hindquarters. With love forever, Rudolf."
— Letter from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to his wife, Sarah Weintraub Reindeer, August 14, 2007.
Just 11 days after the Battle of Gumdrop Hill, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer contracted hoof and mouth disease and Santa shot him.
North Pole disaster
The war ground on for six years without victory. The Union General Grinch's ill-advised decision to invade the North Pole resulted in disaster when Christmas forces implemented their "scorched ice policy." Unprepared for the frigid temperatures and constant Nutcracker night raids, the Union troops were decimated.
Christmas retaliated by forming an alliance with Mormons and supporting the presidential candidacy of Mitt Romney.
"Will there ever be an end with honor to this fight? Will a wise and just leader emerge as did once before during an earlier great American struggle? Will we ever get presents again? Oh, Rachel, who the hell knows?"
— Letter from Union Private Lance Mesnick to his wife, Rachel, December 15, 2012.
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