On selling Viagra

I have a junk-mail catch-all on my computer that protects me from communications that I neither want nor need. But occasionally messages break through the barrier and find their way into my inbox, where they promise to enrich my sex life.

The junk-mail warehouse itself is awash with offers of oral sex aids and suggestions on how I might successfully reconfigure my equipment. I find this concern disconcerting not because I am a prude but because the sheer bulk of the offerings from the carnality merchants suggests that penile dysfunction is rampant among American males.

To make matters worse, the only e-mail solicitations that rival in number the sexual teases are the offers of bargain discounts on expensive watches. The juxtaposition conjures the image of men sitting around, staring at their Rolex rip-offs while they wait for their Viagra to kick in.

Holding hands in a bathtub

A clue in a recent New York Times crossword puzzle asked for an "Alternative to Cialis." Of course, "Viagra" was what the puzzler wanted. Viagra is the medicine of choice on the Internet, but Cialis is the favorite of TV advertisements, which assure the uneasy performer that it's just what he needs in order to be ready when the time is right.

These commercials, however, are a little ambiguous. If I understand one of the more bizarre ads, a man who takes Cialis can sit in a bathtub and hold hands with a partner in her own bathtub, as the two of them luxuriate on a beach, looking out to sea. I suspect that this may be a visual metaphor that I'm unable to decode, but it could just be a joke, the point of which escapes me. It's just as baffling as those erotic male dancers on Broadway a few years ago who signaled copulation by tearing off their shirts.

So far e-mail users have been spared TV's small animal hucksters like Gus, Pennsylvania's second most famous groundhog, who tries to seduce us into gambling, and the charmingly articulate Gecko, who peddles insurance. One of these days, an enterprising adman will let the big bad put the moves on Little Red Riding Hood with lascivious intent. When that happens, he'll need to provide an identifying tagline. I hesitate to suggest what might be his equivalent of Gus's "Keep on scratching."

Hefner's little helper

Cialis and Viagra presumably bring comfort to the afflicted. Hugh Hefner recently told the New York Times (June 11) that he took Viagra "when it's called for": "I make love a couple of times a week, and I take the Viagra when I'm going to be making love. I would say at 84 it helps. It's God's little helper."

I'm a year older than Hef and a great deal less priapic. These days, when I complain about not being able to get it up, I'm not talking about sex at all. I'm talking about lifting my tired old body out of whatever chair I'm sitting in.