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I'm always glad to see the December Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. Now I'm ready to give you my Christmas wish list. You should know, I've been a very good girl, as always. Here goes.
I want the "5 FT REALISTIC PAINT PONY." I know— I've already had a real horse for 30 years. But I want another one. Please, Santa. Just $999.95.
And I want the "FLYING CAR" on the catalogue cover. It flies and, if it's foggy, the wings fold up so I can drive it down the highway at 65 miles per hour. Way faster than the PAINT PONY. It's also a little truck that pulls the plane, which becomes a trailer. There's a steering wheel, brakes and even a gas tank.
Yes, it's hard to explain. But the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute assures me it really flies, and they wouldn't lie, would they? $350, special order.
Are you thinking, Santa, that I'm a greedy girl who doesn't deserve these expensive presents? I was just thinking the same! (Great minds.) So, instead, bring me the "PERSONAL TOWEL WARMER" on page 38 ($79.95). Holds two bath towels at the right temperature. Call me a princess, I don't care— sometimes I like two towels, at exactly 135 degrees. FYI, the Personal Towel Warmer takes up only the space of a small garbage can. Plus it signals when the towels are ready.
Not on my chinny-chin-chin
While I'm into my beauty routine, drop off an "EFFICIENT EPILATOR." It's better than a razor: Its 72 tweezers lift and remove flattened hairs from my chin and other areas. Never mind where those are.
Oooh, so many goodies to choose from, you dear old Santa. A girl might think you had notions, and I bet you did back in the day.
Don't you dare leave that "WALL CRAWLING SPIDER" in my stocking, you devil! I don't care if it does have concealed wheels and a powerful, fan-operated suction cup so it sticks to the ceiling. $29.95 is way too much money to scare little Reedie, you meanie.
Instead, get me the $69.95 "VOICE RECORDING PEN," sensitive enough to capture voices 25 feet away! No more whispering behind my back.
And for the other pocket, the plain video pen, no software necessary, a thrifty $99.95. No one will suspect I'm recording their every move. That might be worth something. You never know.
Give hubby a break
As a good, good girl, I've always thought about my dear husband. So for those long mornings when I loll in bed and he waits for me to finish the paper so he can read it, he could really, really use the "BREAKFAST SANDWICH MAKER." It will poach his eggs, burn four toasts and keeps his pre-cooked bacon warm, all at the same time. $99.95.
If airport security can see through his clothing, unscrupulous thieves can read his credit cards right through his pants! He needs a "STAINLESS STEEL WALLET," which "cannot be hacked" ($89.95).
My dear hubby works so hard for me. Us, I mean. Say he's feeling musical while cooling his heels in the airport en route to another sales meeting. Let's not stint on the "SIX SIDED HARMONICA." What's another $499.95?
Too much, you say, Santa? Well, surely any good husband is worth $39.95 for a little yard work. Let's make it fun with a "WEED WHACKING GOLF CLUB," requiring a square stance and proper grip.
And if he just wants to go for a long, long walk away from me—anyone who marries me will want to walk now and then— drop off a "GENUINE ENGLISH TIPPLING STICK" ($249.95). It holds only one measly shot, so he'll be back on the job in no time.
What, you say I've forgotten the pets? Here's something to distract Kitty from clawing the couch: a perpetual "LASER IMAGE CHASE TOY" that creates a pretty red dot she'll never catch.
And for the neighbors' loudmouth pooch, the "INDOOR BARKING DOG DETERRENT" ($49.95) that goes off when he does. May not break his eardrums or theirs.
Death by marshmallow
Well, last but not least, the grandlings. The Internet has made the newest generation way too passive, so skip the educational paraphernalia. Let's teach them some good old-fashioned ways to shoot! First the gentleman-Cheney "TWO PERSON DUCK HUNT" ($39.95). That's a pretty angry looking target duck. He deserves to be shot!
Next up: the "DOUBLE BARRELLED MARSHMALLOW SHOOTER" ($39.95). Will these weapons actually kill our grandchildren? No! Marshmallows are harmless unless you eat too many. (Fortunately the kids live on the Other Coast.)
Perhaps events of our times have made the shotgun-style hunting too retro. Here's a "PUMP ACTION MARSHMALLOW BLASTER" more like a real terrorist weapon. Again, only marshmallows. $27.95.
Will these gifts capture the inflamed imagination of today's youth? Yes, if you'll bring me the "MARSHMALLOW TARGET" (also $19.95), which makes four different sounds (not described, but which surely include realistic cries). Remember, Santa, to remind the children they can have just as much fun taking potshots at the family gathered "'round the fire or the ornaments on the tree. Hey Kitty, get those claws out of the upholstery!
I'll have your milk and cookies waiting on the hearth as usual. See you soon.
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