Once and for all: Health care made easy

An entrepreneur solves Obamacare

3 minute read
My medical team is ready to serve you, just as soon as you pick the plan that's right for you.
My medical team is ready to serve you, just as soon as you pick the plan that's right for you.

I am delighted to present PerryCare.gov, your one-stop shop for Obamacare.

This is the first ever fully functional, 100% ready-to-use Affordable Care Act Information and Election Website, and it's yours exclusively as a reader of Broad Street Review.

Please do not reveal the location of this website to the Huffington Post or any mommy blogger.

How did I manage to assemble this site when the U.S. Government is still trying to figure out how to underline and indent in Microsoft Word? Simple. I paid the entrance fee to Philadelphia Comic-Con 2013 for two 14-year-olds. Two or three days later we were open for business!

PerryCare.gov is your one-stop shop to:

1) Review all health care plans available to you from a range of fine companies like Blue Cross, Aetna, Humana, Bill and Ted's Excellent Health Care, the Kathy Ireland Collection of Health Care Plans, and Three Gobs and a Gal in White.
2) Obtain the price of each plan and any available subsidy, the net cost to you, and a free copy of Kevin Trudeau's Free Money They Don't Want You To Know About to help you pay for it all.
3) Select the plan you want, enroll instantly and receive a basket of fruit, a complimentary prescription for medical marijuana (should it be legal in your state or should you be very well connected) and a welcoming letter from me. (It's a bit dirty.)

Find the health coverage plan that works for you

Platinum: Covers virtually all parts and labor. You can take all the plan deductibles and co-pays, place them in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have enough room for three caraway seeds and the heart of an agent. (Good thing for me that nobody remembers Fred Allen any more). Should you evolve additional organs, they'll be covered too.
Gold: Similar high-level coverage but with a few modifications. Male patients receiving a proctology exam are now required to stick their own fingers up their asses, and women undergoing annual mammograms can expect a gallery of the doctor's male friends to be in attendance. Deductibles and co-pays are a bit higher, but it's your choice to eat every day or get that boil lacerated.
Silver: Some organs— including liver, spleen and left ventricle of the heart— are excluded from coverage. At least one doctor in your network must be named Sluggo, and patients are required to bring their own magazines to the waiting room. Tap dancing by your primary care physician is not covered at any time.
Bronze: Coverage now features exclusion of a few additional organs, including heart (100%), lungs, brain and penis, especially if you’re a woman. Deductibles and co-pays are such that you must pay out enough to hire and equip an army for Xena, Warrior Princess, before the plan customer service rep will even get on the phone. Doctors are not required to cure anything.
Dung. Covers the procedure known as "Saying AHH."
Your Existing Policy: Now you can keep it, thanks to President Obama, even though all it covers is a bucket of warm spit.

To proceed to your PerryCare.gov portal, click here.

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