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A man's best friend is his cut-off (now somebody tell Hugh Hefner)
A man's guide to aging gracefully
Perry Block
My 15-year-old son Brandon and I were in Borders the other day, perusing with no particular purpose, when I picked up a couple of books and plunked my 60-year-old butt down on the floor.
"Dad!" Brandon gasped. "Get up!"
"Why?" I asked.
"Someone your age cannot sit on the floor! People will think you're having a heart attack! Isn't Borders in enough trouble?"
"Okay, Brandon," I asked. "What's the cut-off?"
"Forty-five, I'd say. Fifty, tops."
I arose. Who am I to challenge the authority of the cut-off?
Some cut-offs are obvious. I would never, for example, wear a baseball cap backwards. Whenever a guy even many years my junior attempts to sport a backwards baseball cap, he looks like he's not sure what direction he's going.
The cut-off? 25. At most.
This world of growing old contains many Cut-Offs, most of which I am well on the wrong side of. A brief but incomplete guide:
Calling a male friend "dude." Cut-off: 36
Calling a male friend "man." Cut-off: 51
Calling a male friend altogether. Cut-off: whatever age you first have children.
Using the word "awesome" for anything that's not awesome but merely reasonably nice. Cut-off: 42.
Using the word "splendid." Cut-off: None. And it's a splendid word to use when you're past the cut-off for "awesome."
Wearing painter's pants. Cut-off: 27, unless you happen to actually paint houses for a living.
Stacking the cream containers on the table at the diner to see how high you can get them to go until they fall over. Cut-Off: 21. Sure, you can do it when you're older. But what's cute and funny when you're a teenager is liable to nervously empty each and every table adjacent to yours when you're 62.
Going on an amusement park ride called the "The Exterminator Terminator Wowie IV!" Cut-off: cannot ever be soon enough.
Brandon and I were watching a rerun of "That 70's Show" one day when I happened to say to him: "Brandon, you know which of the two young women on the show, Donna or Jackie, I find most visually appealing?"
Brandon turned a color that can doesn't exist in nature, and at once I realized I had out-Hefnered Hefner, out-Humbert Humberted Humbert Humbert, and out-dirtied the dirty old man who married Anna Nicole Smith.
"Dad, that's incredibly inappropriate!" Brandon chastised me. "Those are teenage girls!"
"Brandon," I asked wearily, "what is the cut-off for admiring young girls?"
"32. And no higher," replied Brandon. "And you are disgusting!"
"Just so I know for the future," I sighed, "who is it OK for me think is hot?"
"Betty White," said Bran. "For her, there is no cut-off."♦
To read a response, click here.
"Dad!" Brandon gasped. "Get up!"
"Why?" I asked.
"Someone your age cannot sit on the floor! People will think you're having a heart attack! Isn't Borders in enough trouble?"
"Okay, Brandon," I asked. "What's the cut-off?"
"Forty-five, I'd say. Fifty, tops."
I arose. Who am I to challenge the authority of the cut-off?
Some cut-offs are obvious. I would never, for example, wear a baseball cap backwards. Whenever a guy even many years my junior attempts to sport a backwards baseball cap, he looks like he's not sure what direction he's going.
The cut-off? 25. At most.
This world of growing old contains many Cut-Offs, most of which I am well on the wrong side of. A brief but incomplete guide:
Calling a male friend "dude." Cut-off: 36
Calling a male friend "man." Cut-off: 51
Calling a male friend altogether. Cut-off: whatever age you first have children.
Using the word "awesome" for anything that's not awesome but merely reasonably nice. Cut-off: 42.
Using the word "splendid." Cut-off: None. And it's a splendid word to use when you're past the cut-off for "awesome."
Wearing painter's pants. Cut-off: 27, unless you happen to actually paint houses for a living.
Stacking the cream containers on the table at the diner to see how high you can get them to go until they fall over. Cut-Off: 21. Sure, you can do it when you're older. But what's cute and funny when you're a teenager is liable to nervously empty each and every table adjacent to yours when you're 62.
Going on an amusement park ride called the "The Exterminator Terminator Wowie IV!" Cut-off: cannot ever be soon enough.
Brandon and I were watching a rerun of "That 70's Show" one day when I happened to say to him: "Brandon, you know which of the two young women on the show, Donna or Jackie, I find most visually appealing?"
Brandon turned a color that can doesn't exist in nature, and at once I realized I had out-Hefnered Hefner, out-Humbert Humberted Humbert Humbert, and out-dirtied the dirty old man who married Anna Nicole Smith.
"Dad, that's incredibly inappropriate!" Brandon chastised me. "Those are teenage girls!"
"Brandon," I asked wearily, "what is the cut-off for admiring young girls?"
"32. And no higher," replied Brandon. "And you are disgusting!"
"Just so I know for the future," I sighed, "who is it OK for me think is hot?"
"Betty White," said Bran. "For her, there is no cut-off."♦
To read a response, click here.
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