Men only want one thing: Your time

He’s hoping an email to me will put this right. “Since you and BSR are a lot more plugged in than I, I was hoping for some guidance here,” he says. “Maybe a list of people whom you feel would make interesting subjects?”

He notes that he’s doing this project for free, to “give back to our creative community.” Unsaid, but just as clear, is the implication that he should have access to my network and killer list-making skills, for free.

I answered politely. No, I don’t have time to make a list for you, I said, but read the articles on BSR and you will quickly discover many worthy artists.

Time spent dating

I began to think a lot about men and my time after a recent date. We started out at a local coffee shop. The conversation was good, and he asked if I wanted to take it to a bar across the street. Sure, I said.

I ordered a Walt Wit and he had a cocktail. I noticed his body turn in the bar’s high-top chair so his knees faced me. He leaned in and touched my arm a lot while we talked — about hobbies, careers, and dating.

As always, for any man who made my short and highly vetted meet-in-person list, I was honest about how important my career is to me and my preference for partners who understand the space and time I need for writing and editing.

My date looked worried. “It sounds like you’re pretty busy,” he said. His warm palm brushed the back of my hand. “What if I really start to like you, but you don’t have time for me?”

I considered this later and found the question a bit funny. He wasn’t alluding to my feelings at all — i.e., whether or not the attraction would be mutual— but to my time. If he wanted some of it, how could he be sure of getting it?

It’s not academic

I admit, I hit the dating scene late — my college boyfriend proposed the summer after graduation, and I stayed for eight years. I never even looked at a dating app until after my divorce was finalized in 2015. But after a couple of exclusive relationships and comparatively happier stints of ethical nonmonogamy, my advice (particularly to people who date men) is to find someone who respects your time.

What do I find sexy? Text messages like the one you see here (in which a man says "Sounds good. Focus away!" when I tell him I'm busy with work for awhile) which I was privileged to receive over the weekend. Or a Sunday afternoon with a current partner who leaves me to write on his couch for a couple of hours, flanked by our napping dogs, before we power down for the night, sharing a whiskey and some Netflix.

What’s not sexy? Anyone who thinks I’m on call to edit his papers, lectures, and even emails. And if I do choose to spend my time on someone, it’s at least nice to know that it matters to them. Once I offered to bake cookies for my ex-boyfriend’s students when he wanted to bring them a treat during an exam. I shopped, baked, and packed them.

He took them off to the university and I didn’t hear another word about it — until I carefully, casually asked a couple of days later if the kids had liked the cookies. Oh, yes, he said. He added that he told the students that he baked them, so he could upset their preconceived notions of gender.

You again

That photographer emailed me again this week. He thanked me for my initial response. He also ignored my suggestion that he spend his own time on his project rather than demanding more of mine. “How about just one or two names of people who have really impressed you recently?”

Not you, sir. Not you. I do not have the time.