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Two lesbians walk into a bar in Fort Wayne….
Indiana confronts gay marriage
NEWS ITEM: Indiana, where same-sex marriage was recently legalized, last week enacted a bill exempting businesses from servicing same-sex marriages if doing so would violate the business owner's religious beliefs. The new law was designed to enable wedding planners, caterers, and photographers to decline to service gay and lesbian weddings for religious reasons, but legal analysts say a broad range of other businesses might utilize the exemption as well.
*
Scene: St. Peter’s Steak House, Indianapolis. Two men sit down at a table.
Waiter: “Hi. I’m Kevin, and I’ll be your server tonight. Before I tell you the specials, I have to ask — are you guys gay?”
First customer: “As a matter of fact, we are.”
Waiter: “Well, are you married?”
Second customer: “Yes indeed! We’ve committed ourselves to a lifelong monogamous relationship, for the greater good of society and in accordance with the laws of the state.”
Waiter: “Gosh, I’m terribly sorry — I’m afraid we can’t serve you. It’s nothing personal, but same-sex marriage violates our owners’ religious beliefs. Have a nice night, and remember: God loves you!”
*
Scene: Same restaurant, same waiter, 30 minutes later. Two men sit down at a table.
Waiter: “Hi. I’m Kevin, and I’ll be your server tonight. Before I tell you the specials, I have to ask — are you guys gay?”
First customer: “Yes, we are.”
Waiter: “And are you married?”
Second customer: “No, we met in a bar about an hour ago. This is strictly a one-night stand.”
Waiter: “Phew! You had me worried there for a minute. O.K. — do you prefer sparkling water, bottled, or tap?”
*
Scene: Gospel Pharmacy, South Bend.
Woman customer: “Can you fill this prescription?”
Pharmacist: “Certainly. Is this for you?”
Woman customer: “No, it’s for my wife.”
Pharmacist: “Sorry. Our religious principles preclude us from servicing lesbian marriages.”
Woman (distraught): “But this is a cancer drug. Without it, my wife will die!”
Pharmacist: “No doubt. But we’re all going to die. Our sojourn on this planet is necessarily brief. So the relevant question is: Where will you spend eternity? On that score, my conscience is clear. How about yours?”
*
Scene: Mount Sinai Pizza Parlor, Fort Wayne.
Voice on phone: “I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.”
Dispatcher: “Large or regular? Mushroom or pepperoni? Apartment or private home? Cash or charge? Gay or straight? Married or single?”
*
Scene: Holy Roller Dry Cleaners, Evansville. Charlie, a customer, deposits an armful of shirts on the counter.
Proprietor (counting): “Fifteen men’s shirts, for pickup Saturday. No starch, as always — right, Charlie?”
Charlie: “Right.”
Proprietor: “You know, Charlie, you’re one of our best customers — week in and week out, you bring us 12 to 15 shirts. What sort of work do you do that you go through so many shirts?”
Charlie: “These aren’t just my shirts. They’re my husband’s, too.”
Proprietor (turning white): “You mean you’re married? To another man? Here — take these shirts, and don’t come back.”
Charlie: “But we haven’t caused you any harm.”
Proprietor: “It’s not me that I’m worried about — it’s my immortal soul. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to church.” Rushes out the door and down the street, shouting: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned!”
*
Scene: Nazarene Multiplex Cinema, Muncie. Two couples — two men and two women — approach the ticket booth.
Male customer: “We’d like four tickets to The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, please.”
Clerk: “Are the four of you together?”
Male customer: “Yes.”
Clerk: “Well, who’s with whom?”
*
Scene: Semi-finals of the NCAA basketball tournament, Indianapolis. In the Kentucky locker room, coach John Calipari delivers his pregame pep talk.
Calipari: “Now, Harrison, you’re a good point guard! And Towns, you’re a good power forward! And a good point guard and a good power forward go hand-in-hand! But we’re in Indiana now, so please — not on the bench!”
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