Indiana confronts gay marriage

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Scene: St. Peter’s Steak House, Indianapolis. Two men sit down at a table.

Waiter: “Hi. I’m Kevin, and I’ll be your server tonight. Before I tell you the specials, I have to ask — are you guys gay?”

First customer: “As a matter of fact, we are.”

Waiter: “Well, are you married?”

Second customer: “Yes indeed! We’ve committed ourselves to a lifelong monogamous relationship, for the greater good of society and in accordance with the laws of the state.”

Waiter: “Gosh, I’m terribly sorry — I’m afraid we can’t serve you. It’s nothing personal, but same-sex marriage violates our owners’ religious beliefs. Have a nice night, and remember: God loves you!”

*

Scene: Same restaurant, same waiter, 30 minutes later. Two men sit down at a table.

Waiter: “Hi. I’m Kevin, and I’ll be your server tonight. Before I tell you the specials, I have to ask — are you guys gay?”

First customer: “Yes, we are.”

Waiter: “And are you married?”

Second customer: “No, we met in a bar about an hour ago. This is strictly a one-night stand.”

Waiter: “Phew! You had me worried there for a minute. O.K. — do you prefer sparkling water, bottled, or tap?”

*

Scene: Gospel Pharmacy, South Bend.

Woman customer: “Can you fill this prescription?”

Pharmacist: “Certainly. Is this for you?”

Woman customer: “No, it’s for my wife.”

Pharmacist: “Sorry. Our religious principles preclude us from servicing lesbian marriages.”

Woman (distraught): “But this is a cancer drug. Without it, my wife will die!”

Pharmacist: “No doubt. But we’re all going to die. Our sojourn on this planet is necessarily brief. So the relevant question is: Where will you spend eternity? On that score, my conscience is clear. How about yours?”

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Scene: Mount Sinai Pizza Parlor, Fort Wayne.

Voice on phone: “I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.”

Dispatcher: “Large or regular? Mushroom or pepperoni? Apartment or private home? Cash or charge? Gay or straight? Married or single?”

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Scene: Holy Roller Dry Cleaners, Evansville. Charlie, a customer, deposits an armful of shirts on the counter.

Proprietor (counting): “Fifteen men’s shirts, for pickup Saturday. No starch, as always — right, Charlie?”

Charlie: “Right.”

Proprietor: “You know, Charlie, you’re one of our best customers — week in and week out, you bring us 12 to 15 shirts. What sort of work do you do that you go through so many shirts?”

Charlie: “These aren’t just my shirts. They’re my husband’s, too.”

Proprietor (turning white): “You mean you’re married? To another man? Here — take these shirts, and don’t come back.”

Charlie: “But we haven’t caused you any harm.”

Proprietor: “It’s not me that I’m worried about — it’s my immortal soul. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to church.” Rushes out the door and down the street, shouting: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned!”

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Scene: Nazarene Multiplex Cinema, Muncie. Two couples — two men and two women — approach the ticket booth.

Male customer: “We’d like four tickets to The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, please.”

Clerk: “Are the four of you together?”

Male customer: “Yes.”

Clerk: “Well, who’s with whom?”

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Scene: Semi-finals of the NCAA basketball tournament, Indianapolis. In the Kentucky locker room, coach John Calipari delivers his pregame pep talk.

Calipari: “Now, Harrison, you’re a good point guard! And Towns, you’re a good power forward! And a good point guard and a good power forward go hand-in-hand! But we’re in Indiana now, so please — not on the bench!”