Gay-straight hostility

The ensuing melee sent both gay men to the hospital, one with a broken jaw, broken orbital bones, and a cut that required 24 stitches, the other with facial fractures. Three people from Bucks County were subsequently arrested and charged with aggravated assault and other offenses; one of them has already lost her job as a result of the fight.

To sum up: For the crime of being unapologetically gay, two men were beaten up and traumatized. For the crime of behaving incredibly stupidly, three young people now face the prospect of prison, lost employment, and tarnished reputations that may follow them for the rest of their lives.

Could this tragic encounter have been averted through the use of more judicious and less confrontational communication by either of the parties involved? I think so. After all, many of us manage to encounter strangers on city streets every day without physical violence. But these days many of us take our behavioral cues from TV, movies, and theater, where the key ingredient is drama. Since the essence of drama is conflict, the language of conflict avoidance may be going the way of the manual typewriter.

So how should the gay guys and the Bucks homophobes have responded to one another? Let me suggest five possible scenarios:

Scenario #1: Befuddlement

Homophobe: “Are you a couple?”

Gay man: “That’s a personal question and consequently not your business. But I’ll answer it if you’ll answer one personal question from me as well.”

Homophobe (inevitably intrigued and curious): “O.K.”

Gay man: “Yes, we are a couple. Now here’s my personal question: How old are you?”

Homophobe: “Twenty-six.”

Gay man (smiling knowingly): “Thanks. That explains everything.” (Walks away, leaving mystified homophobes to ponder his meaning.)

(Note: This gambit really works. At my suggestion, my ten-year-old grandson has used it successfully when tormented by his peers in the schoolyard. And the tormenter’s age doesn’t matter; the key point is to befuddle one’s adversary, remind him of your common humanity, and give him a taste of what it’s like to have one’s privacy invaded.)

Scenario #2: Humor

Homophone: “Are you a couple?”

Gay man: “I’m not sure — but I live in hope!”

Scenario #3: Accentuate the positive

Homophobe: “Are you a couple?”

Gay man: “Yes! And I wish I could share that wonderful feeling with you — a feeling deep in your soul that says you were half but now you’re whole. Do you know how it feels to have wings on your heels and to fly down the street in a trance? You fly down the street on the chance that you’ll meet, and you meet — not really by chance. So I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm, but most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.”

Scenario #4: Introspection

Homophobe: “Are you a couple?”

Gay man: “Yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

Homophobe: “Actually, I do. But that’s more of a reflection on me than on you. You see, I was raised in the suburbs. My parents moved there to escape the city, but the bitter tradeoff is that our family is insulated not only from other races but also from other economic classes, professions, and age groups. My sheltered and narrow environment rarely exposes me to gay people, not to mention black people or Hispanic people or Asian people. Consequently, I feel threatened by lifestyle differences even as I hunger for intellectual stimulation. I venture into the city for excitement, but as soon as I get downtown I feel uncomfortable. It’s a maddening psychological trap from which there seems no escape. But thanks for helping me sort out my feelings. Have a nice night!”

Scenario #5: Wretched excess

Homophobe: “Are you a couple?”

Gay man: “Worse than that! We’re flaming gay homosexual queers, deliberately undermining society’s fragile social fabric by flaunting our depraved lifestyle in public. You’ve heard about the sanctity of acts committed by consenting adults in the privacy of their homes? Forget about it! You’ve heard about the slippery slope? You’re looking at it! At the rate we’re going, by New Year’s Eve we’ll be deflowering sheep in Rittenhouse Square. Today Center City, tomorrow the world!

“Since we perverts lack any sense of shame, the only real antidote for our diabolical behavior is a swift punch in the mouth, preferably administered by some clean-cut suburbanite. Say, would you by any chance be a clean-cut suburbanite? If so, would you mind just planting your fist right here? That ought to solve the problem! After that, could you beat us with whips and chains? I've been lugging them around all night, on the chance I could find someone like you.

“Wait — where are you going? I was just getting started. Come back!”