Christmas carols for nonbelievers

At this Christmas season my thoughts naturally turn to the less fortunate in our midst— specifically, those unfortunates who feel excluded from the festivities.

Perhaps they're atheists or agnostics or innocent victims of organized religion. Maybe they're TV sports addicts whose lives have been disrupted by all the special holiday programming.

How can we help these people get into the spirit of the season? How can we assure them that they're not alone, even if they're not quite in the mainstream? Herewith I offer two attempts to address the problem.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world! A brand new faith
Is sure to make our day.
We've 40 different creeds
For our religious needs.
So now there's forty-one,
Which makes it much more fun.
(You'd better go out and buy yourself a gun.)

Joy to the world! We've found a faith
That looks beyond this Earth.
They care about your soul
And now they're on a roll:
For your eternal sake
They will burn you at the stake
Or load you with stones and drown you in a lake.

He rules the world, and there's no vote.
Dissent is not his style.
They're spreading his appeal
With missionary zeal.
So why don't you convert?
If you don't you could get hurt
And wind up beneath a great big pile of dirt.


Good King Wenceslas

Good King Wenceslas tuned in
To his television.
'Though he knew it was a sin,
Sure to cause derision.
"Yuletide songs and eggnog spray
Always drive me crackers.
So I'll spend my Christmas Day
With the Green Bay Pa-ackers."

"Hither, page, and stand by me,
If thou knowest, telling.
What's this fight on my TV—
Louis vs. Schmeling?"
"Sire, it's a classic tape,
Just the best they've got, see?
"'Cause a black man made folks gape
When he decked a Na-a-zi."

Herschel Walker came to call
On the feast of Stephen.
Urged the king to hit the mall,
'Though the score was even.
"Let's do something kind and pure,"
Said the king's friend Herschel.
So they went to feed the poor
At the next commer-er-cial.♦


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