Charles Krauthammer feels your pain

• “Americans are a generous people. They don’t want 11 million souls living in fear among them. They would willingly, indeed overwhelmingly, support amnesty — as long as it is the last. They don’t want another Simpson-Mazzoli, another bait-and-switch that lets in another 11 million illegal immigrants — and brings us back where we began."
  —Krauthammer, February 4, 2013
• “Americans want to hear the issues, not see mud-wrestling."
  —Rick Santorum video, Jan. 31, 2012
• “Americans want leaders on whom the sun shines.”
  —Peggy Noonan, Wall Street Journal, June 18, 2010
• “Americans want a president who feels their anger without himself walking around enraged.”
  — Noonan, August 27, 2011
• “Everyone wants to help the poor, the old and the sick; the safety net exists because we want it. But voters and taxpayers feel bullied, burdened and jerked around, which again is not new but feels more intense every day.”
  —Noonan, February 28, 2014

Did you ever wonder how political pundits can possibly know what all Americans (or, in Charles Krauthammer’s case this week, the whole world) are thinking and feeling? Are you as astonished as I to learn that all Americans invariably agree with Charles Krauthammer and Peggy Noonan? Do you ever wonder why, in the process of surveying the American people, Charles and Peggy never surveyed you?

So do I. Or at least I did until last week, when my phone rang and a secretary announced, “I have Charles Krauthammer on the line.”

“Hold on,” I said. “I’m watching the climax of an exciting mud-wrestling match. Can he call back in ten minutes?”

Leading questions

Ten minutes later, my phone rang again, and I was talking to the great syndicated columnist himself.

“Hi Dan,” Krauthammer said. “I’m conducting one of my periodic surveys of the American people’s mood. How are you feeling?”

“I’m glad you asked,” I replied. “I’m feeling angry, and nobody else seems to care. Thank goodness you’ve called.”

“What specifically are you angry about?” Krauthammer asked. “America’s six-year retreat under Obama? Hillary Clinton’s Marie Antoinette tour — sampling cake and commoners? Iran rising — assisted, astonishingly, by the United States?”

“Those are leading questions,” I pointed out. “Besides, my anger has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with deep-seated unresolved issues from my childhood. As a former psychiatrist, you ought to know that.”

“But surely you have some political concerns?” he insisted. “For example, how do you feel about immigration reform?”

“Charles,” I told him. “I’m as generous as the next American. I don’t want 11 million souls living in fear among us.”

“So would you support amnesty for illegal immigrants?”

“Willingly,” I replied. “Indeed, overwhelmingly. Just as long as this amnesty is the last.”

“So do you want another Simpson-Mazzoli?”

“You mean another bait-and-switch that lets in another 11 million illegal immigrants — and brings us back where we began?” I shouted into the phone. “Certainly not! Let those immigrant bastards take their energy and optimism somewhere else!”

Obama and sunshine

“And how do you feel about costly government programs to assist the poor and the downtrodden?” Krauthammer asked.

“Look,” I told him, “everyone wants to help the poor, the old and the sick; the safety net exists because we want it.”

“But don’t you feel bullied, burdened, and jerked around by all those socialistic government regulations that eat away at our basic freedoms?” Krauthammer asked.

“You know,” I said, “I never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, you’re right: I do feel bullied, burdened, and jerked around. Why won’t government bureaucrats get out of the way, so I can help the poor, the old and the sick by myself?”

“And don’t you want a president who feels your anger?” Krauthammer asked.

“Yes, I do,” I said. “But I want a president who feels my anger without himself walking around enraged. A president on whom the sun shines.”

“Sounds like you understand that this president is systematically strangling America’s productive classes,” Krauthammer joined in. “And what has Obama ever done for us?”

“Dug us out of the worst recession since the Great Depression?” I suggested.

“Yes, yes,” Krauthammer replied testily. “But aside from digging us out of the recession, what has Obama ever done for us?”

“Rescued the U.S. auto industry? Passed health care reform? Eliminated bin Laden?”

“OK,” Krauthammer agreed. “But aside from digging us out of the recession, rescuing the auto industry, passing health care reform, and killing bin Laden, what has Obama ever done for us?”

“Dodd-Frank?” I guessed, desperately trying to come up with the right answer. “The Consumer Protection Act? Extracting us from Iraq and Afghanistan? And how about my retirement fund? Under Bush it dropped 60 percent; under Obama it’s up by 250 percent. And —”

No shortcuts

“Dan,” Krauthammer broke in, “I’d love to continue this conversation. But I’ve got a lot more phone calls to make.”

“How many?”

“About 300 million.”

“You’re calling 300 million Americans?”

“It’s the only way to find out what they really think.”

“So how many Americans have you called so far?” I asked.

“Counting my wife, Peggy Noonan, and you?”

“OK.”

“Uh — three people.”

“Sounds like you have a long night ahead of you.”

“For sure. But when it comes to finding out what Americans are thinking, you can’t take shortcuts. That’s why they pay me the big bucks. Have a good night!”