Ah, summer. Just in time for the Democratic National Convention, it’s time to switch from Merlot and Melbec to those frivolous, fizzy cocktails with ridiculous names. Surely, bartenders around the city are already working on drinks that capture the mood of the 2016 election. For those who haven’t yet conjured up a Happy Hour recipe worthy of the event, here are some suggestions.
Hurricane Hillary: Don’t let the cherry on top fool you. This high octane combo of emails, wandering spouse, and Lexapro goes down easy but kicks like a mule. Free to female voters in pantsuits.
My Bad Bernie: This blustery concoction of Brooklyn, Maalox, and socialism is popular with the under-30 set, but likely to nauseate Boomers. Best if served with a side of gun control.
Bodacious Bill: This sexy blend of champagne, denial, and Southern charm comes with a choke collar and leash to keep that special someone right where you want her.
Fast Eddie Martini: Former Pennsylvania governor and Philadelphia mayor Edward Rendell inspired this winning cocktail of moxie, chutzpah, and big business, which brought Philly out of the red in the 1990s. Goes well with cheesesteaks and Comcast.
The Wolf Pack: Named for the current Pennsylvania governor, Tom Wolf, this cocktail is deceptively mild, but packs a heavy punch when it comes to fracking and school funding.
Christie on the Beach: Sixteen ounces of taxpayer tears from Hurricane Sandy victims still waiting for their rebates, topped with a Bavarian crème donut eaten while crying.
Ryan’s Last Stand: This non-alcoholic cocktail of reason and integrity created in honor of the Speaker of the House is sobering, but spills easily if it gets in the way of Donald Trump’s Cleveland conga line.
Make America Drunk Again: A six-pack of warm, domestic beer followed by a chaser of greed, racism, and intolerance. This noxious cocktail appeals to the older, white man who fears that a female president will shrivel his penis.
Naked Melania: Popularized by the British edition of GQ, this perky cocktail is a classic combination of Eastern European gold digging, with a triple shot of Botox, and a filthy rich, pot-bellied, real estate developer on Cialis. Short shelf life due to fact that the main ingredient loses her appeal upon her 42nd birthday.
Palin Punch: This bubbly NRA favorite mixes beauty pageant perkiness, moose meat, and is served with a tarnished promise ring on the side. Its goes down smooth but comes back up when you least expect it. While under the influence, do not attempt to operate a motor vehicle, assault weapon, or your brain.
Dems’ Delight: A tall, chilled glass of social action at the bottom of which delegates can see call girls, financing for their local campaigns, and Trump’s concession speech.
Bush Whacked: W inspired this blend of Tequila, Saudi kick-backs, and Halliburton stock. Goes down as easy as a West Texas sunset. Rim the glass with cocaine for an extra jolt.
Syrian Sidecar: This lethal cocktail could bring the DNC to its knees and put their heads in the toilet on election day. Mix one homeland terrorist attack with a jigger of tolerance for U.S. Muslims. KABOOM!
Cruz Control: Just piss into a tumbler and add a swizzle stick. Hold your nose and down it goes!
Kasich on the Rocks: Also known as the Lone Ranger. There’s something to be said for a man who never took no for an answer. Even when it was shouted by millions. This aged malt whiskey should be fancied with a hearing aid.
Megyn Mojito: Fox News commentator Megyn Kelly inspired this tantalizing mix of triple-processed hair, chiseled features and conservative values. Warning: This one will sneak up on you from behind with a sledgehammer.
Obama on the Beach: This is not a cocktail. It is where our president will be as soon as this rodeo ends.